It may be counter intuitive and sometimes the act of begging and having your Dom hold the line can go a long way to establish trust. I believe one of the most important things as a Dom/Top is once the scene has started do not add anything that has not been negotiated, no matter how much your sub/bottom begs for it. That can look like finding a process of repair, mediation, or therapy.ĭO NOT Change in the middle of the scene. If in the unlikely case that something goes awry, commit with your partner that you’re both in it to work it out. Determine what you need and set it up beforehand. Others need the security of a corner and the calming darkness or a blindfold. Some people need to be wrapped in a blanket and held. If it’s your first time, think of what you need after an intense, challenging day. Have a conversation with your partner to determine what you need to cool down after a scene. Last, but not least is creating an aftercare plan. It is SO important to let your partner know the impact they are having on you so they can choose the next, right thing. My personal favorites are “mercy” to slow down, and “red to stop the scene, no questions asked. Determine a word for when you need to slow down and a word for when you need to stop. This will likely be different for everyone, but if you don’t know where to begin, try choosing words that make sense within the scene. “If we’re going to play for 90 minutes, what five things would you like to experience?”įirst and foremost, discuss your safewords. A lot of times people will ask me what my limits are and for me, that’s a BIG turn-off… at least for the first “date.” It’s a lot better to start with specifics. My best advice is to negotiate things in instead of negotiating things out. It often leaves them feeling hurt, vulnerable, and helpless.įor others, punishment and consequence can be sweet absolution. How do you want to feel at the end of the scene? Is this punishment or a consequence? And if so, how does your partner feel about that?įor some, especially people who struggle with baggage around being punished as a kid, consequence play is NOT a turn-on. It’s equally important to examine the context behind the scene. What words or titles turn you on? What language turns you off?Īre there any hot buttons you don’t want to touch? Humiliation may be your cup of tea… but if your partner has been traumatized by catholic school punishments it may not be the best fit for a scene with them.ĭiscover what language is preferred - and what’s out of bounds - with questions like: However being “Daddy’s Good Girl” could be a turn on and encourage more “good behavior” Someone may LOVE being called a "naughty little slut… or it may trigger a shame spiral, pulling them out of the scene and into a bad headspace. The language you use within the scene has the ability to make it or break it. When it’s all said and done, how do you both want to feel?Īre there health issues or medication I should know about? Is there sex? Is there no sex? (Contrary to common belief, sex and BDSM don’t always have to be together.) Will you use toys? If so, what toys will you use? Here’s what to consider:įirst, determine the container you’re playing in. These fears are perfectly normal - but with the right planning and conversations beforehand they can be put to rest, freeing you and your partner up to have a rockin’ scene. When you enter this particular anxiety spiral, take a sec to stop and breathe. You’ve talked with your partner(s) and you both generally know what the other is comfortable with… but how will you know if you’ve gone too far? Or not far enough? What if you or your partner changes their mind mid scene? What if this turns into a negative experience - how will you and your partner recover? Negotiating a scene (or a previously planned, consented to, communicated BDSM event for those not in the know… yet □) can be one of the more intimidating things to navigate when you’re first getting into BDSM.
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